The Road to College

The good news is that the first big deadline, November 1, is behind us, and all applications, recommendations, and transcripts have been submitted!  Wahoo!

And now we need to get back to business.  As I've been preparing for our big junior program this week, I've been thinking about ownership, as in who really owns this college search.  I know what the answer should be - the student - but I also know that it's hard for parents to relinquish control sometimes.  A wise admissions dean once told me that it's like driving a bus: the student should be in the driver's seat, the counselor should be in the passenger seat, and the parents should be in the back seat.  I wonder what parents think about that!

His point, of course, was that the student needs to be in control, and I agree.  Yes, it's a lot of work on top of everything else they have to do, but students need to understand that in order to have a good outcome, they will have to invest something into their search. That means doing research, listening to others but making up their own minds, being open to the myriad of possibilities.  Of course parents are involved; they are, after all, most likely footing the bill.  But on Tuesday, I will tell our parents that they too shouldn't close the door to all the opportunities until they know what's behind each door. That means considering a college is a little farther away from home might just offer their daughter an amazing opportunity for entrepreneurship or leadership. That means waiting to see what kind of scholarship/financial aid options there are. That often means tuning out the noise that is coming from other parties, and that means listening to their daughters.

At the College Board conference I recently attended, someone questioned why we call this a college "process."  It's much more than a mere process we go through, because if done with thought and purpose, it really can be an amazing journey of self-discovery.  If parents take over the search, then it can become more about them and less about their daughter.  It can also say to the daughter, "We don't think you can do it." And when they lose their cool over a rejection, wondering "What was wrong with my daughter?" as one parent once did, then what message are they sending?

Actually the best college searches are a team effort.  The student, parents, and counselor all work together to develop a college list that considers a variety of criteria: the student's strengths and weaknesses, a parent's financial concerns, and the counselor's knowledge of admissibility are just a few examples.  But once again, the student should be driving the bus.

I'll leave you with another comment I overheard at the conference.  "What kind of relationship do you want with your daughter once the college decision has been made?"  I believe that is a question that every parent should answer, because when this journey is complete, there will be cause to celebrate no matter what happens.